Waiting

Tim and I have been waiting. And waiting. And waiting. It feels interminable. In truth, we are in a long pause after many months of intense activity.

As soon as we made the decision to relocate to Portugal, we leapt into a whirlwind, preparing the house for sale, downsizing decades of accumulated possessions, and beginning the immigration process. [Read a bit about that here.] In August, after signing a lease for a country house in central Portugal, we returned to the US to complete the necessary documents for our residential visa application. On September 1 we submitted two thick packets of required documents with hopes that the Portuguese immigration service (SEF) would determine us to be good candidates for residency.

Then began The Long Wait. And the uncertainty. And the anxiety. What if we are rejected? What if…? Yeah, what then???

I know how to use meditation, deep breathing, walking, mindfulness, self-talk, cognitive reframing – yeah, all the strategies to reduce anxiety. But the shadow of uncertainty lurks and sometimes accosts me without warning. (I think The Shadow of Uncertainty could be developed as a super-villain in the comic world. Certainly, that sneaky shadow is a pervasive villain in the real world.)

Ninety Days and Counting

Almost 90 days of this so far. Yes, I am counting every day.

A Meditation on Waiting

I decided to approach this uncertainty as A Meditation on Waiting. To start on this approach, I explored definitions and found these:

To wait: to stay where one is to remain in place in readiness to do nothing until something else happens

To do nothing!?! That is not us! We are do-ers! Active! Pro-active! Make-it-happen people. To do nothing is *not* in my character. Argh! I remind myself that meditation is generally a quiet activity of remaining in place and doing nothing. (eye roll)

I sought philosophical writings as well and found this:

Waiting points to our desire and hopes for a future that may not happen.

Waiting reflects on our helplessness and our inability to control the pace or the outcome.

Bingo! Now I feel understood. But understanding does not give me the outcome I want: to be back in our home in Portugal. (We cannot return until we have the residential visas.)

Back to my poor attempts to manage uncertainty. I compulsively pour through posts by other would-be and successful immigrants to Portugal. There is an online spreadsheet where many US applicants to Portugal submit their timelines for visa approvals. Approval times vary from 21 days to over 6 months.

Doubts and Worries

We applied through the Portuguese Consulate in Washington, DC, where the average approval times runs close to 40 days. Why are we waiting so long to hear anything? Did we miss a signature? Fail to supply enough details? Are our bank statement copies faulty because they are in black and white rather than color? We can only wait until we are contacted.

Professional Stander-in-Line

I turned to my friend Jessica who has extensive experience in waiting. She spent almost 20 years in prison with no specified release date. Jessica jokes that she is a professional stander-in-line. “I know how to wait in line now because I’ve spent so many years doing it."

In a more serious tone, she added, "Waiting is similar to any other skill in the sense that the more you do it, the better you get at regulating your own impatience within.” I can learn a thing or two from Jessica.

This Waiting is a Luxury

When I asked my husband, Tim, what he has to say about waiting, he simply replied, “It sucks!”

A moment later he came back and added, “I wake up every morning thinking about people in Ukraine without power or water or safety, and I know I am just a dumb-ass.”

Instant reality. We are humbled. And grateful. Our kind of waiting is, in fact, a luxury.

I wish we could be like this enormous reclining Buddha in the Buddha Eden Peace Gardens in central Portugal. It is said this was the Buddha's repose just before transition from the corpreal world. I would like to be this peaceful.